my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
How does one answer this?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.