@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

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@noog

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

@adrienneMTK

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@Jake_Vig

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

@heidi420x

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

@Kendragarden

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

@JackMackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@FU_Scopely

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

@twelveyearsold

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*