Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

🤣could you imagine

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

“I FIXED IT!”

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit