My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.