My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.


“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.


*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.


Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label


“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”


Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?


I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.


I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.


ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*