My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village


God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them


I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.


george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.


HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!


The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.


*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.


You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money


Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.