@ThisOneSayz

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

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@SketchesbyBoze

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

@SaltyMacTavish

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

@BeckFlatley

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

@RiotGrlErin

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

@dave_cactus

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

@Tbone7219

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

@bewgtweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

@Kryzazy

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

@AmishSuperModel

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.