My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably