My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
This is my favorite one of these!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
That’s no pocket rocket.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!