MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
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DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Lunatics are gonna loon.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.