My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
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Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
If you know, you know
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My teenage children choosing violence
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME