My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Nomnomnomnom
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..