My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is