my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?