My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I have two kinds of followers
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly