My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
welcome mats are just gateway rugs