My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Netflix and awkward silence?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My support group can outdrink your support group.