My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
It do be feeling this way.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.