My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
You Might Also Like
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.