My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
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Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.