My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I have never related to a cat more
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Dear Lord..
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will