My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.