My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 馃槀馃槀
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
this came to me in a vision
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
For Halloween I鈥檓 going as an emotional roller coaster.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you鈥檙e so fired
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.