My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
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There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN