My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids