(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.