My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.