My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
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Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I think we should hear other voices.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?