My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!