My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
You Might Also Like
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies