My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.