My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA