My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats