My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
You Might Also Like
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming