My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*