My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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grotesque if literal: baby food
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Shortcut
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house