My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.