[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
It’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs