My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Sniffing the broccoli
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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