My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
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i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Sheep
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
You deplete me
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?