My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
wishing you and yours all the best
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.