My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
You Might Also Like
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
i’m sure it’s fine
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so