My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life