My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.