@Playing_Dad

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

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@maxverygoodboy

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

@partlyfunny

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

@squirrel74wkgn

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

@retreminy

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@yung__spider

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@SweatyGardener

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

@English_Channel

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip