My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear


Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!


If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.


[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet


I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.


You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.


every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car


True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.


a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip