My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
a fate I wish upon no one
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton