My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.