My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?