My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You Might Also Like
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.