My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
We’ve all been there
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year