My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*