My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Just me?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.