[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION