My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Monica just destroyed the internet
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.