My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence