My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
You Might Also Like
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Nose