My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My inexpensive home security system…
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID