My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle